Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003 12:17 a.m.
it's my birthday. it makes me sick - I don't like time and change being able to do nothing to be able to stop it...
well, here it is...I'm now 17 minutes into my 24th year of life, which makes me 23 years old. (isn't it weird how we measure time like that? that I consider myself 23, but really, I've just stepped into my 24th year of life?) this morning, I seriously was slightly sick at the thought of it. ever since I turned 17, I've almost mourned my birthday passing each year. maybe I just hate change. maybe I just hate that it's the one thing that I can't hold on to, that time just passes without me even giving it permission. I think I like to be in control of my own life, and with time, I can't be. but the thing that gets to me most is that I can't feel this change. nothing extraordinary happened in the last 20 min. to mark the change of my age. I feel exactly the same, yet feel like I'm supposed to feel older. actually, I do feel old. 23 sounds old. I always thought I'd be older at 23, that I'd be married, or (since I always thought that I was going to die young) dead. and here I am...just me...still. it scares me. I don't want to let go of the stigma that comes with being young. I don't want 15 yr olds to think that I am as old as I thought 23 was when I was 15. but I guess it's just the way life is, huh? it really makes me think about people older than me, though...I'm sure someone who is 50 must not want me to think as they thought 50 yr. olds would be when they were 23, huh? wait, it's my birthday?! maybe I need to go to sleep and wake up first before I can feel it...or maybe I just really don't feel it anymore. it's funny, looking back on the previous two birthdays that I've written about in this diaryland diary...god, I've changed so much. but then, I'm the exact same person who wrote and felt those things. isn't that weird? how can I be the same person, yet be a different one too? does the me who wrote about the worst b-day of my life when I turned 21 and the craziest and biggest learning period of my life around when I turned 22 still exist? will the "me" now still exist on my 25th b-day? what makes "me" me? what is that thing that is "me" that carries on and doesn't change with time? soul? is there a "thing"? I'm going off on too much thinking. it's my birthday - I should be happy - thinking too much doesn't make me happy. this will be a really weird birthday. I have to stay and work late at work. no one really knows it's my birthday, so it will seem like a perfectly normal day. but still, I will dress cute in the morning, and keep reminding myself that it IS my birthday even though it doesn't really feel like it, and deep down, I don't even know what it means to have a birthday or why I should consider the day special.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.