2001-10-22 10:40 a.m.
The Big 21.
Well, here it is. The big 21. Why are birthdays so depressing as you get older, it seems? I know 21 isn't that old, and I'm not sad beacuse I'm getting old, but because it's my birthday. I think when we're little we're kinda programmed to know that our birthday is a special day. Everyone treats you special; you feel special. Birthdays are magical. And then you get older and you still want to feel special and feel that magic. You feel like you should, at least on this one special day, and when you don't, it's depressing.
I have to keep reminding myself that it's my birthday. When you're little, you wake up in your birthday morning and your parents have hung a happy birthday sign form the fireplace and baked cupcakes for you to take to school. I woke up this morning, late, and in a rush to get ready for my 8am class. No birthday sign greeted me, no cupcakes. I'm lucky that one of my roommates sang "Happy Birthday" to me as she was in the bathroom getting ready for the day. Someone remembered, at least. When you were little, you felt special the whole day just walking around, as though everyone around you knew it was your special day. Here, no one knows, and there's no reason to feel special.
All that fun we had when we were little on our birthdays we pay for each birthday afterwards. Because it was so celebrated when we we young, we carry the sad realization that it wont be every birthday when it isn't.
This should be my last big birthday. You know, the last year you're actually excited about turning. 21. You're legal. You can drink without getting a MIP. Yeah, that'd be great if I could go drink. This sounds pathetic, I know, but I have no friends that drink, no one for me to go and drink with. Some party I'll have tonight. I'll remember every minute of my 21st birthday, not drunk at all.
I have so much to do toady. I have a flat tire. My roommate is wearing the shirt I was planning on wearing tomorrow. She didn't ask. I have no clean underwear so I'm forced to do laundry today. I feel like I have no friends to do anything with this year. We're all split up, living in all differnt houses and stuff, since dorms are no longer required for upperclassmen.
Well, I think I've decided. Birthdays suck. Or at least this one does.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.