2001-10-26 10:02 p.m.

I feel like I've lost myself

Well, my birthday has now come and gone. I have to admit, it was the most un-birthdaylike birthday I've ever had. I had no cake, blew out no candles, opened not a single present. I got a few cards from my family and 2 friends gave me cards that night at dinner, so I guess I can't really complain, huh?

Me and a few girls went to eat at Chili's that night. I got myself my first maragrita, being the big 21 and all. I got sang to, and got free desert (unfortunetly, they no longer carry Hi and Mighty Ice Cream Pies). That's all I got. Normally on birthdays, someone picks up your tab, right? well, I paid for mine myself, no one even offered. It was kinda sad. It was weird being with them again, we're still friends, but it's almost as if finding the time to be friends still is too hard.

I came home at 9pm. 2 of my roommates were gone, on dates or something probably, and my other roommate left with her boyfriend. There I was at 9:30pm on my 21st birthday, at home by myself. I couldn't even find anything to watch on TV. I got a call from a girl begging me to cover for her 12am to 4am shift at the dorm where we work. I took it and went to sleep. I woke up about 11:15 and my roommate was back . She asked if I'd had a good birthday and I lied. What else was I going to say? no, it sucked and it's all your fault for being my best friend and still caring more about your boyfriend than me!!?

Oh well, I'm over it now. Though, my other roommate birthday is next week and I've already been informed that we're having a surprise party for her. Should I even pretend to act as hurt as I am?

I did get a present, though. It came yesterday. It's an iBook notbook computer! Presents of this size are not normal in my family, so I know that this is very much an extra special thing. I was needing a new computer very much, but never expected my parents to go out and get me one. Especially such an incredibly nice one!! I love it!! (althouh, it dosen't have Word on it which I find real strange) And so now it makes me feel like I should be so happy and thankful and feel like my birthday was great. And I don't know if it was.

I had been planning on going out of town this weekend (we had no classes today) for a long time. I was gonna go someplace cool, like Vegas, to celebrate my birthday.

Guess what I ended up doing? Staying here. It's good, I want to be able to get a lot of things done, but I'm realizing that I'm turning into my old self. The depressed me who dosen't have the desire to get out and do something.

I really don't think this school is good for me. I was so happy this summer. What happened? I hate the fact that my roommate are all dating someone and I'm not even meeting guys. I have no social life anymore and the saddest part is that I don't care.

What the hell is happening to me??? Where did I go? I need to leave this school, but I can't. My sister's gonna come here next year. I have to stay for her.

God, I could kill myself. My roommate has realitives over and I can hear them in the living room. I don't want to play friendly and meet them. I'm not like R_____ and M______, I don't like the fake entertaining guests mode.

I need to snap out of this. I need to get away from this school, yet because I need to leave, I find myself attracted to stay.

Wed. I'm going to an open casting call to audition for The Real World/Road Rules. I'm not really making this fact public. I'm just going. Yes, I may miss a few classes or meetings, but I don't care. I'm getting away from this bubble, I'm taking some time to be me again. I probably won't make it, although, even making it to the next round would do wonders for my self-esteem. I'm almost afriad to go, since I know when I find out that they don't dont find my personality interesting, I will make myself believe that I'm not interesting or important to anyone. I know it's not that big of a deal and I shouldn't get worked up about it, but it would so give me an out out of here and I could find that happy me again!

Well, I need to stop writting. I guess I just go to bed early again today. I have no friends!

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