2001-11-02 3:10 p.m.
suck it up and deal
Ok, well, I think I've decided: Life sucks.
Yesterday was a bad day. sorry. I just get like that sometimes. Today is actually OK, not great or good, but OK. And I can deal with OK.
Ocassionally, I just have to remind myself that life sucks and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm a loser and while I may have some casual friends, I don't have any that know this other side of me and none that I want to tell. Life is meaningless, other than the meaning we choose to put in things. I'm here on this earth and though I don't know why I am, I guess I have no choice but to try and make the best of it. I don't have to be happy, but I can deal with being OK.
Not a single person emailed me after yesterday's depressing little entry. Yeah, I feel like even more of a loser. Ah, well, what'd I expect? No one ever cares.
But again, it's alright, because I'm OK today. I know that life sucks and that I'm a loser, and once I know that, I know that I can't honestly expect anything more out of life than the worst. Obviously, I'm not special or unique. There's nothing interesting about me.
Self-esteem is a worthless thing. I've never really had a problem with it; I've always somehow thought I was unique and special and that it was everyone else's problem for not reconigizing that. But, thinking that we are important actually ends up destroying us. I mean, when it comes down to it, we're not important. At least, most of us aren't. Yes, there are some important people, world leaders and stuff, but if everyone was important, what would be special about being important? I think everyone needs to realize that we are not important, we are not special. It kinda makes it easier to live. Yeah, the Real World didn't want me, but instead of being dissapointed since I felt I should be on there, I need to realize that I'm not quite so special. I didn't make it, because I'm not interesting. Oh well, I guess I have to deal now, huh?
I'm thinking of transferring schools. I need a break form ACU. I feel so trapped being here, and yet I also feel like I'm trapped into staying here. Maybe if I just was brave and left, even for a semester, it would bring back all that happiness I realized Wednesday that I really do have.
Hmm...well, life sucks, everyone. I think my new(un-enthusastic) motto is: Suck it up and deal. :)
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.