2001-11-01 4:37 p.m.
death, suicide, meaning to life - I hate it all!!! What's the point of being here?
Today is not a good day. I want to die. I want someone to offer some advice to me other than religion.
I just finished looking up some pages about suicide. Do you know how many little christian sites I found saying god loves you, don't kill yourself!??
Everytime I hear Christian answers for anything, I can't take them seriously. It's as though all christians have been taught this script to use for all circumstances. You hear the same analogies over and over. no one thinks of new ones or even tries to.
Dosen't anyone see?? I know all that!! The last few years of my christian life, I realized that there was nothing new I was ever getting from religion. I had heard all the stories, all the testimonies, all the reasons to believe in god, all the analogies, all the interpretations of the bible, all the supposedly apparent miracles. Everything was the same, just used over and over again.
I looked to God for so long for help. There was never an answer. there still never is. What I don'e understand is, if for some reason there is a god, can he not see me? If he does see me, why does he not help? it's been only, what, 4 yrs that I"ve been asking him for help. Proof that there was a god or purpose to life is probably the only thing that could help me.
And NO!! I don't not want to hear stupid religion stories!! If you are just going to write about that, DO NOT EMAIL ME! It makes me even more sick and depressed since, like I said, everything that anyone says is all the same and means nothing to me anymore.
But, someone please write. Make me feel important. Please.
I read that you should not commit suicide because of the pain it causes to those who love you. Do you not realize that this fact only causes me to feel more trapped into this life I hate and makes me more depressed? Suicide, or at least the thought of it, is a possible out for so many people who have no other out. To take away that possibility, is to leave one with a complealty pointless and trapped life.
Someone please write me. It's about the only thing I can possibly hope for right now, is that maybe I'll get an email from a random person.
Before, I kept going because I knew I wanted to so desperatly try out for Real World/Road Rules. Now I have nothing to keep going on for.
Write me.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.