Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004 3:29 p.m.
is this love??
I don't think girls should talk about boys in their online diaries. the point of online diaries is for other people to read them and think "wow, that person is really deep and insightful and has some new reflection on life that I've never thought about before..." and then we all go and live our lives better based on that unknown person's reflections of it. and everyone deals with love and guys and girls and stuff. and usually when people are 'in-love' all they can think is about how googly-eyed they are when they're when that person and so forth. and so for girls to talk about boys in their online diaries makes them boring. but I guess I'm just going to have to indulge in my 'boringness' for a minute... I like a guy. I don't even know why. it's like he's another part of me, it's weird. love is weird. so is liking someone - a lot. it just kinda happened. I didn't ask for it. he's not someone that I would've ever picked off the street and thought it would happen with either. but still, it happened. and now I'm trying to figure out what to do with it. I always thought that it would be different, more schoolgirl-giddy or something...but it's not...it seems real. it's realistic. I don't look at him and instantly want to jump his bones or something - I look at him and know all the things he is inside and it makes me smile. he's a dork. sometimes he's annoying. he's doesn't have the looks of a male model. but still, I never get bored talking to him. I'm happier when he's around. it makes my insides swell when he says something and I realize how much he knows me and that I'm ok with letting him in that far. I'm proud of the things he's successful at, almost as if I were successful at them myself. we have the same random humor. I can predict exactly what he's thinking. I know him. he knows me. and for some really odd and crazy reason we have fun and make each other happy. Sometimes I wonder what 'love' really is, and how you know when you're feeling it. Am I misinterpreting what I feel? Because I don't know exaclty what me and this guy have, but sometimes I might even venture to say that this is what we're coming close to.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.