Sunday, Nov. 07, 2004 8:51 a.m.
voice from my past
so the past two months I've been getting depressed a lot. unemployment is killing me. boredom is boring me. I don't know what I want, my life has been totally directionless, everything I do is pointless.
I have this random bi-annual tradition of prediting my life in one year. and on Nov. 4th each year, I get to read what I had predicted a year ago. it's dorky, but kind of fun.
on Nov. 3rd, 2004 I found out some news that I knew had the potential to make me fall into some really deep depression once it sunk in. so I left. took off. grabbed my toothbrush, face wash, contact stuff, a change of clothes and left. I told no one. I just had to get away. I had to figure out my life.
on Nov. 4th, 2004, I was at a random campground along the northern coast of California, sleeping in the backseat of my car. I opened my journal to read what I had predicted my life would be like a year ago. This is what it said:
"I think I will be doing a lot of thinking about my life on Nov. 4, 2004, so as a warning to my future self, just keep going for it [film/tv industry]! You only have this chance once. It hasn't even been two years yet! Give it a little longer! Please, even if it's only in paying respect to me, your past self. I know part of you will always want to be the quiet, settled person you're destined to be, but seriously consider what you are doing first."
I've never written anything like that in a prediction before. it was like I was hearing from a ghost. only I don't believe in ghosts. but I believe in myself, and I'm probably the only person I would trust to follow advice like this.
it was so werid that I would write something like that. how did I know that a year a go? maybe I didn't. but why did I write that?
no matter how or why I wrote that, I did. and for some odd reason, it instilled a new hope in me. a hope that things will work out, that my life will make sense, that I will find what I'm destined to do. it gave me a kind of faith, and faith in anything is not something I've experienced in a great while...
I will continue in this industry. afterall, it hasn't even been two years yet. my past self was right. it's weird how easily I can be persuaded by her...
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.