Monday, Nov. 17, 2003 7:29 a.m.

freaked out

this is the first entry i've ever written in this thing while it's locked and no one else can read it. so it's really like me talking to me. i kinda like this. but then i know that eventually i will unlock this and then this entry won't be this private little entry anymore, so i guess i can't just babble to myself as i usually would do.

i just had to lock my diary for a bit. i got really freaked out. i opened my yahoo account on fri. and found out that my roommate was signed in. which freaked me out 'cause it meant that she must've been using my computer. and i'm really protectative of my computer, probably because i have a lot of my personal thoughts in essay form saved on my desktop and i have a link directly to diaryland in my browser window and i am always logged in becuase why not? no one else uses my computer. my roommate, who i don't really trust enough yet to have the decency to let me keep my most innermost thoughts secret, could have SO VERY EASILY seen and known it all. and that freaks me out beyond control.

this site/diary keeps me sane. and what keeps me sane about them is that it's like my own little secret that i only seldom choose to expose about me. i have to know that i know something about me that others don't. i have to know that no matter how life treats me that at least i always have this to turn back to. i can always write it all out...yes, i realize that besides this entry, people out there can read my thoughts, that this is an open diary in the realms of the public internet, but i can't see the people that read this. i don't interact with them in my daily life. i like this being a type of intimate secret i share with random other people i would otherwise never know.

and in that instant that i realized that my roommate very possibly could have read this or even become aware that i had an online journal, i came close to losing it. i don't even know if she looked at it and i'm not going to ask her 'cause if she hadn't it would give it away. but i started freaking out. and i didn't realize that i had the ability to freak out like that anymore. i guess i kinda had gotten to the point where i figured i was a pretty balanced person, i didn't think there was anything major with me that i needed to fix. but when i freaked about this, i realized that i was werid for getting as freaked out as i was, and i don't really want to be that weird.

but i also don't know if i want to unlock this diary. well, i know that i do, i feel kinda stingy or something by hiding it right now. it's like i'm saying, hey look, i have all this stuff written down, and i know i used to let you see it, but now i'm going to be selfish and keep my thoughts to myself. of course, now i sound quite egotistical like my thoughts should be worth anyone paying attention to. but i guess i've already established that i'm an egotistical asshole, so it's ok. :)

i just don't know what to do right now. i need that freedom of being able to air my "dirty laundry" and not feel shame in it...but i can't be discovered. i really can't. i can't lose the sense of confidentiality i have in this thing. i've become addicted over the years, i don't know what to do without it.

i do trust very few certain people to know about this thing. i recently confided to my sister that i have an online journal and along with my best friend, that makes a grand total of 2 people that know about this thing. honestly, there are a few other people that i've met at one point or another that i would trust with the completely personal and honest thoughts i portray in this thing. but my roommate is not one of them. i don't know why, but i know that i don't get the right "vibe" from her, if there is such a thing. part of me almost feels that if she was to know this stuff about me, the information she had would almost be a way of control over me. she would know far more about me than i know about her and it would only help her take me, find my weak points and make them strong points for her.

of course, maybe i only feel this becuase we have so many differnt opinions on things and we get into so many discussions. i think she comes from completely differnet places than me and thinks so different from me and if she read this, she wouldn't connect and instead find reasons why she didn't agree with my thinkings. maybe that's what i'm afriad of. i don't think thinking different than me is bad, but a lot of times i feel like there's so few people in this world who really have the same basis for thinking that i do and i just want to try to offer my thoughts on here in a way to connect with them. and i know that the only two people who know about this thing have the same basis for thinking that i do and that they would use this as a means of understanding me and not making judgements about it.

so, i officaly freaked out, but writing this huge random entry soley to myself has helped some. i like doing this, not caring that this is super long or not making any sense. it's nice.

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