Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2003 12:39 a.m.
locked entry #2
I like having this thing locked. it's good for me. it makes me write for me, not for some possible unknown audience. i still crave the audience as i think everyone with an online diary does, though. but it think it's good for me not to have a possible audience. i can care too much about it.
i don't have to make sense or be cute or try not to ramble! i feel like a kid again! ok, not really, but i do feel a little more free like that.
boys. i like when you have a boy to think about and just have a crush on, if nothing more. 'cause it makes life more exciting. some days i really like being a girl becuase you can be really, really stupid and get all these feelings for a guy even if you've only talked to him a few times. i know it's completely stupid and i know i can oh-so-easily talk myself about of being like this, but sometimes, it's just fun to let your mind wander.
i'll admit that girls tend to let their minds wander way too far way too quickly. most guys sem to think that this is a really bad thing because then the girls get way too into a relationship too fast and it scares the guys. and i don't blame the guys. i'd be scared too. but seriously, i don't know, maybe it's just me and i think too much, but yeah, of course girls are going to try out what a particular guy's last name sounds like with theirs, or think about if they could stand being married to a guy as soon as they ever-so-slightly become interested. but just 'casue we think about these things, doesn't mean that we're making plans for things to end up that way. we just like to think about if it'll work out before if ever gets that far.
or, again, maybe this is just me and maybe i am completely screwed up. maybe i do have these hidden romantic desires that i like to pretend aren't there. who knows?
not that i'm really thinking like this right now, but well, maybe i am. i just like liking a boy and that there can be new thoughts to occupy my mind occasionally, you know?
i wonder how we can throw ourselves in and out of these feelings so quickly? and this is why i don't trust feelings. they are fun and are good to have, but they are not sufficent for anything. something that can change so easily and quickly surely can't be trustworhy, which is why i don't place any real value in them, but i need to go for them more and have fun.
and i need to write more locked diary entries. i'm afriad the longer i have this locked, the longer i'm going to want to keep it this way. i wonder what i should do.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.