Saturday, Nov. 22, 2003 12:55 p.m.

when it rains, it pours

ok, so i'm having this weird spaz week. it's starting to remind me of that crazy time in my life last year that i never want to have to relive.

fuck. i hate doing things that i'm going to hate myself for doing later. i hate saying fuck, but could say fuck for the whole rest of this entry, only it wouldn't really help me feel less guilty and spastic! :)

i need to journal. it's how i sort things out best, and how i'm able to make sense of stuff which isn't really a big deal but i currently feel like it is!

i think i've figured something out though...i like to be control of my feelings/emotions/actions. i like to think logically about everything and remain balanced and level-headed. i don't like crappy drama. i like figuring out a reason to enjoy life and then enjoying it. in fact, i like it so much that often don't know how to let go of that control. or i do know how to let go of it, i'm just awful at handling myself once i've let go of control of it...

that's my problem. when i start to let go, i don't know how to stop myself from losing it. if i start to put feelings into any situation, whether it be towards a guy, excitement/anxiousness for the future, trust and vulunerabilty in sharing my true self - as soon as i start to allow myself to let go and have these emotions, i start to put too much feeling into everything and then i go all spastic and seem to be consumed with completley needless drama!!

ok, so now i have to fix this (here i go again, taking back control of my emotions:))...what can i do? i made a mistake. i hate myself for it. but i can't change that, and i don't like spending my day in guilt. i've got to realize that it could've been worse. i could've done far worse. all i can do is concentrate on the present and future. i cannot excuse the past, but i can let it influence my present. this is the best i can do.

i have to realize that i can have emotions. i can have feelings. i can go with my "heart". i can be a girl, and occasionally, i can get myself into needless drama. i'm not always logically in control of every situation, but i've got to stop freaking out when i don't have that control. i can't keep beating myself up inside for feeling like i'm doing things without my control. i do screw up. i realize that i learn the most about myself from these little curveballs life keeps throwing me (i can't believe i just used this cliche!).

so, once again, i'm learning interesting things about myself. i hope i'm always able to see myself this way, as someone who is always in need of improvement while being aware that the unfinished (but improving) product is not less desirable than the end outcome.

meanwhile, i feel amazingly bettter and calmer now by writing and sorting this out. but there still is a lot of crazy stuff going on in my life right now, and i still have a lot of different emotions going in all those different directions. only, now, i realize that it's okay. i'm choosing to just go with the flow, discover and learn, and make the best of all these things. i don't have to be logically in control and seriously, this is feeling like it's going to be a good feeling...

:)

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