Monday, Nov. 24, 2003 9:36 p.m.
weed or booze: the drug choice debate
i don't know why i'm wanting to write about this. i don't have much personal experience and know that therfeore i can't really comment too much, but this is just what i'm thinking about pot recently... it amazes me how much of a normal thing it is to smoke out nowadays. it's become so mainstream. only like two years ago i didn't (or thought that i didn't) know anyone who smoked weed. and slowly i've begun to realize that a lot of people i knew/know do. back at ACU, all those who did kept it hidden. i knew it was there, but it was never in front of me. but here...oh my god, it's everywhere. and no one cares. it's been smoked right in front of me the past three weekends and i had ample oppurtunity to partake if i so chose. it's as normal as alcohol, it's just like what's your drug of choice? alcohol or pot? one or the other - they both cause two different sensations, but essentially offer the same thing: escape. sometimes i hate myself for using alcohol. not because it isn't fun, but because it's induced fun. i hate that it takes alcohol to get to me the point where i'm comfortable discussing the things that i can't because the alcohol won't let me think clearly enough to discuss them properly. sometimes i wonder why alcohol is my drug of choice. i've noticed a trend recently. i tend to attract and be attracted to guys that smoke, and most everytime i didn't know that they did when i first became attracted. and i think i've realized why. i'm attracted to guys that can think. the main thing i want in a guy? someone that can hold up their end of a serious conversation. and most guys that can think as i want a guy to be able to think also happen to smoke weed. why? well supposedly, it's supposed to help you think, it makes things clearer, it makes things mellow, it makes every little thing so much more facinating because you are able to suddenly see all of it clearly without all these other distractions. or, this is what it's supposed to do. my one experience with it almost gave me too much to think about. but i have heard that things start to become clearer the more you use it. i don't know. but i am beginning to wonder why it's not my choice of drug instead of alcohol... (sometimes it surprises me that i even deal with issues like this at all...for so long this was so foregin to me. the weird thing is that while these non-conservative issues don't necessarily make me happy in and out of themselves...i am a seriously happier person now that i am no longer restricted from considering them.) i think i know what i really want: a guy that thinks like a pot smoker, but isn't.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.