Tuesday, Nov. 26, 2002 12:45 p.m.
long, whiny entry about last week
Thank God that I'm going home for Thanksgiving tomorrow!! I swear, last week was the biggest emotional roller coaster ride ever for me! Everything went crazy, I was stressed, I was sick. I mean, could anything else have happened?
I'll try to recap. what all did happen? I've got to think...
--I was super stressed over a huge test and huge paper.
--I got a cold and felt miserable.
--I pulled an (almost) all-nighter
--Went to a retarded student gov't meeting in which everyone arguged for OVER TWO HOURS over someting which didn't pass anyways! (I had the worst headache)
--Didn't have enough money to pay my gas bill.
--Didn't have time to get my car looked at(it's barely been starting the past week).
--My boyfriend of only 3 weeks broke up with me, which came as a total shock to me.
--Had to all my girlfriends who asked about how me and my boyfriend were doing the new truth.
--Thought I was gonna fail a class for the first time in my life and not be able to graduate.
--Drank too much and got real depressed.
--Melted the bottoms of some of my favorite shoes by a fire at some guys house.
--Got myself invited to another guys Christmas Social in a pathetic attempt to still feel important to someone.
--In a half-drunken state in the middle of the night, called up my ex-boyfriend, saying I wanted to talk and actually got angry at him.
--Worked 13 hours in one day, and made a whole $118.
--and a bunch of other crap I can't think of right now...
But, out of this whole week, I think I really am beginning to understand a lot about myself. Maybe that's what relationships do. Again, it's all such a new world to me - this relationship thing (or lack thereof) - and it's only for the good 'cause I'm figuring out myself even more. I guess I'm having to confront things about me that I seemed to have not let myself pay attention to being there.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.