Thursday, Nov. 28, 2002 12:09 a.m.

growing up is hard to do...

Lately, I've been feeling really grown up and mature. What is happening to me? It's as though my life that has been figuring itself out this past year, and especially this past semester, has finally almost evened itself out. All that I am and all that I was who I hated is coming out and is opening up. All my deepest inhibitations are being rooted up and I'm facing that which I really am. It's scary. and weird.

I don't really know where it all came from. OK, I do. This semester I was determined to change, to finally be happy with myself and to be real. But, I never expected things to go like this. I somehow thought that me being determined to be confident and be myself was all that it would take. I didn't realize that I would once again have to re-evaluate myself and who I am and who I want to be. I've had to re-think all that I hold to be important, all that I think my life is supposed to be one day.

It's funny to say that this one little 3-week relationship with a boy could make such a difference. But it wasn't just that. But that just came at a time when it was needed. He made me think about what I wanted...in life, in relationships, in my future, in anything. He made me think beyond that which I was allowing myself to think. He made me realize that perhaps there are certain things in my life that I still need to work on and figure out.

I'm discovering that I'm not as great as I've somehow let myself think I was. I've always thought that I hadn't figured things out yet and was pretty realistic about that, but somehow I always thought that I had found a place that others had only not reached yet. I do have problems, just like everyone does. I guess if I was perfect, I'd be boring 'cause there'd be nothing left to change.

I talked to my mom today...about stuff. I never really talk about life stuff with her. But I did today. I told her about this relationship that is no more and what I really felt about love and marriage and all that and she gave me advice. I have NEVER talked to her before about stuff, I've always refused to go to her with problems and just be another person who goes to her for help. We talked about my future plans that are completely up in the air right now and how maybe I'm re-thinking the whole entertainment industry. Maybe I want something more solid, more REAL. I told her I realized that life and our memories are only what we choose to think of them as, and things are not always as great or as worse as we think. I guess she was amazed that I made such an adult statement and my mom, being the huge emotional person that she is, started to cry!

I rented the movie, Pi, for my dad to watch and then afterwards told him what I thought the movie was about and the deeper and more philosophical undertones about the seach for the meaning to everything. I've never opened this can of beans up to him before...let him know that I also have this deep thinking side to me.

I don't know what's come over me. Perhaps it's this boy again...but I don't know what he did exactly. Maybe made me think, maybe made me realize that opening up is not such a bad thing, that I can finally be myself, and yet, know who myself really is. Maybe I've been wanting to figure this out for awhile and this boy just helped give me a reason to go for it.

I've learned a lot about my heart. Mainly, that I do have one! I tend to not trust feelings, I'm too logical for that, right? But, I think I occasionally need to throw myself into my feelings - to go with my heart and not just constantly question if my heart is making the right decision. I've realized that I'm such a girl and do get emotional sometimes, even when I try to pretend that I'm tough and not get upset by things.

I know I shouldn't attach so much to this guy...after all, it is only the first guy I've ever really dated...they'll always be more, right?...but he somehow broke in and got me to bring all this out of me and that's a first. I do still like this guy, but I can't even give specific reasons as to why. I just do, and this is still weird for me to admit, but I'm going with my heart here. I won't talk mysef out of my feelings, but just let them be.

It's nice to just be a girl sometimes...however, I'm not a foolish girl. I don't want to foolishly be blinded by these feelings and think that things will ever be there that aren't. So, that's why it's nice to have a journal in which I can write this all down and feel them, without being completely stupid, naive and follish with them.

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