2001-11-28 12:14 a.m.
marriage and stuff
OK, see, well, there was this guy that I went out with once on a date my freshman year and that I actually really liked. Only, I just was sorta a little more shy around guys then, and, well, nothing ever came out of it, though it felt like something might. And afterwards, I always felt this weird kind of attraction to him or something.
Anyways, he started dating this other girl our sophomore year. We're all in the same circle of friends, so we all know each other pretty good. We all knew they were gonna get engaged someday, but, well, I just found out that they DID indeed get engaged this weekend and it's a weird feeling.
I've never had anyone that I used to like become engaged before. I mean, I still have a picture of us from Freshman Social on my wall with all my other pictures. Should I take it down? Leave it up? I know I never really had a claim to him or anything, but it's weird to think back when I definitly had a crush on him and definitly felt some type of weird attraction back from him, too.
Oh, I don't know! I just guess I'm gonna have to get used all these people getting engaged and married and stuff. But, still, it's all crazy.
It does make me sad, though. It made me realize that it's getting about that time and maybe I should start looking for a future spouse. Yeah, I did write all that stuff about love and marrige my freshman year, and while I still do believe most everything I wrote, it's very different when you start to feel this weird pressure to get married or something. Even at thanksgiving, all my family kept asking if I was dating someone, and my cousin I grew up with has 2 kids already. So many people around me are getting engaged, heck, even my best friend will probably get engaged this summer.
this sucks. I wonder if I'll ever get married. I don't even have a prospect yet. I never knew that it would ever be like this. I never knew that it would feel like the pool of eligibile men is shrinking and that'd I'd better jump in and grab me one or forget all the good ones.
I wonder, do all the good ones really get taken first? I hope not, 'cause I really hope to find myself a good one and I sure as heck ain't ready quite yet!!
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.