Saturday, Nov. 29, 2003 6:33 p.m.
getting "naked" is quite humbling
there's nothing like humility. or rather, there's nothing like being made humble. i never want to be the type of person who's afraid of being confronted with their imperfections. but like all people, it's not always easy to have them stare you in the face. i really do want to be a good person. i always want to be better-ing myself. i say i want to know what i'm lacking in so that i can improve, but i think i really want to hear something else. by asking what i need to change, i really am only hoping to feed my ego - i ask thinking i will hear that i'm a good person and that i have less to improve on than most. i think i'm conniving. i never actually put people down, but i think sometimes i have this way of making myself look good but in a humblish sort of way that doesn't make me seem like i'm making myself look good. i mean, i'm partially ok with this, because i think it's normal to want to present our good sides to others. but i think i go too far sometimes. it's hard to describe, but i know i do this. i think i've been doing this for years. but really and truely, deep down, i DO want to be a good person. i do want to always be improving. and though i sometimes use this as a sort of egotistical excuse to think that i'm a good person, i don't want to. i don't want to need an egotistical excuse. i just want to be a good person. but thinking i'm a good person makes me feel like i'm not a good person. but how do you become better if you can't be aware of becoming better? is it really wrong to think you're a good person? i think i try to become better for all of the wrong reasons. i try to become better to make me seem better. but then, how the hell do i get around this and become better without wanting to become better for myself???!! well, here's to my psychological egoism essay, i guess... i feel like my insides have gotten really naked in this entry. like, i said, there's nothing like humility.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.