Thursday, Nov. 30, 2006 10:13 a.m.
thinking about death. again.
one of my sisters has been in the hospital the past few days. it's nothing too serious; she's getting out today, she was just really really sick...but my mind always thinks things too far, so of course, I briefly thought about what would happen if she were to have something serious and die.
death has been on my mind A LOT the past few months. I cannot stop thinking about it.
I know I'm supposed to appreciate my time now, and not think about such things, but I do. I'm terrified that my existence is pointless. that all those moments, like my last entry, exist for nothing. that the things I feel for K and have committed to him mean nothing. that my life is spent mindlessly occupying time until I die.
I've written several, if not many, entries the past few months on this topic.
I'm beginning to think that there's something out there. as in, something that cannot be explained. that cannot be confined by the simplicity of language. it could just be my desire manifesting itself in delusion...but I don't think, and choose not to believe, that it is.
I wished I had studied more while in school; I think I could be a lot smarter today than I am.
math intrigues me. I wish I had gone into more depth with it. I like how there's an order, that sits there, objectively, and humans slowly discover its secrets, its shortcuts, its connections, its infinite nature. I like that there's things which are not yet known...and will never be known. I like the concept of infinity.
I wish I knew more about quantum theory, about quarks, about string theories, about a non-time fourth dimension, about electromagnetism. I like thinking that even people who are smarter than me are still searching.
I like thinking that something out there could exist, in some form, greater than our minds can comprehend. I like thinking that I do not cease to exist when I die, that my life is not in vain, that love is something greater than just a feeling.
I like thinking that I could have a purpose. and that I don't have to be scared of death.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.