Friday, Dec. 01, 2006 10:33 p.m.

alcohol makes writing fun

I don't think I thought that after I got married, I would have nights like this. but here I am.

I just finished my second drink, and I'm getting up to get my third. I'm alone. on my computer. at 10:30 on a friday night. the only thing that's likely to change over the course of the evening is my blood-alcohol level. well, and K will come home soon...but he'll get on his computer and I'll fall asleep.

I seriously have no friends anymore.

(ignore my depressing rant, it's likely to be all alcohol induced, anyways)

I've been in such a funk today. neither of us are working this week. it's a very, very strange point in our lives. my student comes back next week, and my share of the money will return soon. but K is still waiting. we've been waiting for months. something will come soon - but this in-between time isn't fun.

the thing that's weird, and annoying, about being a girl, is that it's hard to tell which emotion is wreaking havoc on my mind - it feels like they all are. K caught me crying earlier, and I couldn't tell him why I was. I couldn't tell him because I wasn't crying for one thing...but for everything.

we work out of the house at the moment...which means that we are always at work. work and play don't seperate. and though we have spent an insane amount of time together recently, none of that time has been spent enjoying ourselves.

I miss laughing, being happy, being giddy. I don't explicitately state what I want, and he doesn't understand me. I get frustrated. he gets frustrated.

he's at a local bar with a friend who invited him out for a drink. I'm at home, drinking by myself.

he's such a great guy, I'm lucky to have him, I shouldn't be complaining. I just miss when it was new. when we went out of our way to do things for each other, when we both had jobs...that were someplace different than at home...and when home could be focused on the other person.

he's worked on this movie for the past 3 years. it'll be his first on-screen credit. I'm so proud of him for it and know that he's proud of it too.

premieres are not important things, in the long run. but he looked forwared to this one - it was going to be the first one where he had something to do with it. it would be a celebration, along with others, of the realization that his dream had come true, that he was making it out in this crazy world of hollywood. I was promised to be his date years ago - back before we ever started dating...in many ways, this has been a more anticipated event than even our own wedding.

and I don't think, now that it is only a week away, that we are going to get to go. hollywood is harsh, and things run strange and ex-bosses forget those who made things happen for him.

we've exhauted many a connection - and we know so many connected to it - and nothing has pulled through so far. we still have a week, one of our many contacts could succeed in getting us an invite, but each hour that passes is more opportunity slipping through the door.

I'm heartbroken, but I'm even more heartbroken for him. I try to be optimistic, believing that something will work out and that we will go (I can't allow myself to belive otherwise), but I worry about what will happen if we don't.

it's so discouraging. he's already so discouraged. and trying to hide it. but I know it's there. and I don't know what to do to help. I'm crushed as well.

I think I'm going to make another (my 4th) drink and make it strong. then I'm going to fall asleep on the couch and when K gets home, he'll pick me up, put me in bed, kiss my forehead, and get on the computer and play online poker (the free kind) until 2 or 3 am until he's tired enough to fall asleep. then we'll wake up tomorrow and life will have re-started and be better.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

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