Thursday, Dec. 01, 2005 11:18 a.m.

i hate poems and i just wrote one

something has been wrong with me lately. and I can't seem to explain it.

something is off.
my identity is lost.
I don't know who I am.
only I do. only I do.
but I can't make sense of it so that others can understand.

I think I'm the same person.
but I think I'm different.

only I think I'm the same in the way other people think I'm different.

and that I'm different in the ways other people think I'm the same.

I constantly try to see myself through how others see me.
and see myself the same way.
but I can't seem to gauge how other people see me
so I don't know how to see myself.

how am I acting?
am I reasonable?
am I immature?
am I doing what's right?
what is right?
I feel like I'm falling apart.
I don't know how to act.
I've lost my confidence.
I'm lonely.
and people only seem to bore me.

I'm not like them.
somehow.
any of them.

something has been affecting me.
so much that I can't seem to recover.
and everything that happens rips the scab open again so that nothing ever heals.

and each thing feels like the end of the world.

I cry about little things. I think too much and stress about every negative possible possibility.
I can't get back on top.
I can't describe in ways that people understand.

and because people can't understand and I seek to see myself through how others see me...I don't understand me.

yet I still feel these things.
and I'm at constant odds with myself.
not knowing which side to believe.
other peoples reasonings and outside perspectives?
or my own jumbled thoughts that I'm unable to describe rationally?
do I say fuck you to everyone and seek my own path?
or do I allow them to keep me in-check and swallow my instincts?

I don't even know if 'instincts' is the right word.
I don't know if I'm just making the whole thing up. or not.

this year has been turbulent.
I think everything has changed.
but not the things that people can see.
inside me. that's where it's changed.
nothing is the same as a year ago.
nothing.
me. who I am. uprooted.

I can't describe because it doesn't make sense to anyone else and I only feel dumb in trying to describe it because describing it makes it seem too simple...and inside of me, it is FAR from simple.

I know people don't understand my reaction to my sister - but it is a culmination of many. many things this past year.

things I didn't even know bothered me that much.
but I can't let go. and things keep piling on.

something is wrong with me.
I'm not really depressed.
I guess I'm numb.
I guess I don't know.
and I'm tired of trying to find out.
maybe I'm tired.
but I don't know how to get the right kind of sleep I need to rest.
and feel better.

too much to say.
words seem useless, but there is nothing else.
I'm trying to describe what cannot be described.

I hate poems.
in fact, I loathe them.
their free-form, their short sentences, their pretentiousness.
but I feel like I have no choice.
this is the way this came out.
in short gulps.
here and there.

and I doubt anyone will be able to understand it anyways.

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