Saturday, Dec. 03, 2005 8:20 a.m.

my sister, part 183

this will not be a pretty entry. my last two were.

if you disagree with me, and I know that most reading this probably will...please do not tell me.

not this time. please. just let me talk for my own sake of talking.

me and my sister talked last night...and my heart is broken.

I know I have been emotional lately. I'm still trying to understand why I've been the way I've been and why this has all affected me in the ways it has. but something seems logical and rational to me about it still.

and so I'm also trying to cope with what side to believe. myself, or others.

I apoligized for not being excited for her when she told me she was engaged - I explained that I was just caught me off guard and I didn't know what to say.

I apoligized for sending emails instead of calling - I explained that I think emails are less confrontational and phones scare me.

I apoligzed for giving advice in one of the emails and sorry if she took it the wrong way - I explained that I told her I was going to write some of my concerns/suggestions in the next paragraph and that she didn't have to read it if she didn't want. I explained that I was writing them only as a big sister and for myself.

I told her the reasons I was hurt, and told her that maybe I was dumb for being hurt about them, but that they were still the things bothering me:
that she called me and my friends alcoholics when she was visiting just because we drink and she doesn't.
that I felt like I was being pushed out of the spotlight when her fiance asked dad at my wedding...and that there was no special date soon that he had to ask right then.
andthat she thinks I hate her fiance just because I'm hurt about that.
that she hasn't called or emailed back when I've been trying to get in touch with her and fix all of this.

but most of all, what I'm hurt about, and what is making me feel dead inside:
that I'm not going to be in her wedding.

she knows how to hurt back and she does it well.

2 of my other sisters are. I can't believe it actually came to this. after all the years, after all we've been through as sisters - this is what it comes to.

I suppose I deserve it, but I can't believe it's true.

I told her all the this things I was hurt about - and then nothing else. and she said nothing. and that was the end of the conversation. no aplogy back. we hung up.

that's how it ended.

she called back later, while I was in a movie and left a message - not saying sorry for anything, but instead saying that she loved me and even if it meant that we couldn't talk for awhile, that she'd still loved me.

I felt it was a cop-out answer. and that if she really loved me, she would care about trying to figure out why I'm so upset about any and all of this...and maybe at least act like I wasn't crazy...and maybe just apologize for at least one thing.

or maybe I am crazy. my husband even thinks that I'm overreacting and the one mostly in the wrong.

this is hard to hear too.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so rational, and right in my feelings.

I'm going to switch birth controls - don't know if that's it - but it can't hurt.

but I still feel as though I should trust myself. I always have, and I've never let myself down before.

so all of this is really hard.

and I'm really numb today.

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