only, my lack of sexual experience puts me at an extreme disadvantage, it seems...

i understand a guy wanting a woman who's experienced, much the same way as i kinda want a guy who knows what he's doing and can almost teach me. i'm the naive one. i don't think we need both of us having no clue what we're doing. but i wonder if there's not any guys who kinda respect a lack of experience in a girl? or is sexual experience highly preferred?

seriously, what is normal? i've found that the basis for normality here is far different that what is normal elsewhere. i just can't figure out if normal here or normal there is the real normal.

i'm innocent, yes. yet, aside from the actual working "mechanical" knowledge gained from the various acts, i'm not terribly ignorant, either. as hopefully evidenced in this entry, i'm open to talking about sex - i'm not a prude (or at least i don't think i am), but i still hold values when it comes to all this.

oh, and then i know the whole sexual frustrations argument and how where i'm from people get married real young, partially because they perhaps foolishy misinterpreted sexual pressure for true love. and then a bunch of couples end up getting divorced. so it seems that waiting til marriage is stupid. but i don't think it has to be. not if you understand what you're really getting into. marriage is about more than just sex.

but i do think that waiting til marriage leads to younger marriages. and people here don't marry til their 30's, it seems. that's so weird to me! i don't want to wait that long. i'd like to get married young, but know that that freaks out guys out here. but still, is that a bad thing to want to be married within the next 4-5 years?

oh, and my last bit of observation: i think it's interesting that guys crave the physical and girls crave the emotional. i've heard that to guys, sex can be like a drug, they become almost addicted to it. and in the same, yet different way, girls tend to be addicted to guys' attentions. serioulsy, it's our drug, we will do what it takes to win attention from guys. so, guys will give the attention to get the physical and girls will give the physical to get the attention. it's just really weird, but somehow seems to work really well, too.

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.