Saturday, Dec. 20, 2003 1:56 p.m.

the fucked up amazingness that is los angeles

so, i'm sitting here in the burbank airport right now, waiting to board my flight home for christmas. i'm going back home for the first time since i've been out here. it's weird - i never thought that being out here would start to feel like home - i was always afriad that i'd betray my texan background. but somehow, and not as sadly as i thought it would be, i've gotten used to this place. it's only two weeks, but surprisingly, i think i'm gonna miss l.a. while i'm home. i'm gonna miss the fucked up amazingness of it all.

l.a. is fucked up. that's about the only thing i can say. and i love it. we're all a bunch of chickens with our heads cut off - all of us. sometimes i drive down the 101 and just laugh at that fact. it's all a big game - the whole thing. while we may all be in l.a. for different reasons, we are all here. trying to make our lives better. we all just live, we all just survive. we all play the game, we all say what we need to, talk to who we need to, present ourselves the way we need to be viewed. we keep going to keep going. we don't question it. that would slow us down. we hate being slowed down. we hate things getting in our way, we are all on our own path, we are all egotistical. we hate the freeways because the traffic traps us. we can't handle not being in control of our surroundings.

but as much as we hate the freeways, we survive because of them...they are the viens that keep the city alive: the 101, the 405, the 10, the PCH, the 134, the 210, the 5. we can count on the freeways, maybe not their efficiency in getting us to the places we're going, but their existance. their very existance is stable. and there are far too few stable things in this crazy city.

i love how nothing here is normal. well, i don't love it. i hate it. but i love that that i hate it and still accept it. i love that nothing is certain, that life operates on a different level. i love comparing reality with entertainment. i love the weird sensation of seeing paris hilton yesterday and realizing that the world that lives inside a t.v. box is made up of real, physical things. for so long, it was as though everything i saw on t.v. or in a movie seemed like fantasy. i guess i knew it existed, but wasn't really aware of its existance. and then to get out here and see that there is reality behind what had always seemed fantasy...i can't really describe the feeling. yes, the screwed up reality of entertainment may remain as fake as fantasy, but still - there is something real way deep behind all of it.

i do miss texas, but i'm kinda sacred to go back. i'm afriad to miss it here. i don't want to have to admit that i actually like this place.

PART 2: Sun. 12/21/03 11:37 p.m.
it's like i've stepped back to another place and time. to one of my memories, and it's easy to forget that the past 4 months have existed. super-friendly people, accents, sisters, knowing how to get everywhere, H.E.B., no traffic, cheap gas, home. i love these things. and i've missed these things. i feel complete with these things back in my life.

but now that i've experienced them, i also feel as though i'm missing something. the mountains, the palm trees, the MILLIONS of people, the diversity everywhere you go, the indie film theatres, the crazy drivers, home. i feel that in order to be complete, i need those in my life as well.

i call them both "home". i use "out here" to refer to both places, as if i'm both in cali and texas at the same time.

i wonder how long it will be til only one place is home...it's hard to imagine that ever happening.

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.