Sunday, Dec. 17, 2006 8:50 p.m.

why I don't want kids enough to have them

when I walked into the coffee shop today, there was a couple sitting next to us with a baby. it was a cool, hip couple, probably near to my age. I could imagine myself and K sitting there, being them. holding a thing, a life, a child, that we created and that came from us.

I thought last night, as I was lying naked in bed next to him, what it would be like to be pregnant. what form my body would take. would I be an attractive pregnant, with a cute, round belly, or would I be one of those less attractive ones, bulky and tired-looking. what would it be like to know that there is something alive within me, something that I can feel kick, or hiccup.

I think even since I was young, I wanted to be pregnant, to see what I'd look like. I think it's cause my mom was pregnant so much of my childhood. 5 sisters x 9 months = 45 straight months of pregnancy, divided among 10 yrs.

I'd probably consider being a surrogate if weren't that fact that I'd already have to have a kid.

I've been wondering a lot about the kid part, though. I don't think I want one. a baby might be cool for a little while, when it's not pooping, or puking, or crying. it might actually be cute, and kind of magical to think that I created this thing though an amazing facet of our biology.

it might even be ok again after it's potty-trained and I don't have to get peed and pooped on anymore. but only until it reaches the terrible twos and colors all over the walls and I can't punish it because it's too little to understand what it did.

the years from 4 to 6 might also be fun, teaching it to read and being able to carry on conversations with a real, though little, person. in fact, most of elementary school might be alright, with just a few hang-ups here and there. I'd like to teach a child how to live life and how the world works.

but then comes middle school. in fact, middle school *might* be tolerable. it might be a little rough in patches, with way too many unnecessary dramas, and quite a bit of awkwardness, but with the right luck, and especially because they cannot drive yet, I might be able to keep them on the right track.

but high school changes everything. at around, oh 14 or 15, I don't want them anymore. they are their own person, though immature and lacking experience to make adequate decisions, and they won't want me anymore. I will become unnecessary, no longer even a person to them, but seen as a pointless authority figure. I will have never been a teen myself and anything I say will be unrelatable to them.

yet they will still demand my provisions for them, insisting on my money, my food, my shelter, my support - and through some unfortunate societal expectation and responsibility - I will be forced to provide it for them.

I don't want to do that.

I'm tired of hearing that everything depends on how parents raise a child. that it's always the parents fault, that if only they had raised them better, this wouldn't have happened.

right before I left the coffee shop this evening, I talked to my mom on the phone. my 17 yr old sister is in trouble again, having lied to my parents, snuck out of a friends house and thrown a party in my parents house when they were gone for the weekend. the cops were called, the party broken up. I worry about her now, I worry about her next year in college. I worry about her screwing up her life and her chances for success because she thinks that nothing will ever happen to her. I worry about her losing her scholarship. I worry about her doing nothing with her life.

who is to blame for this behavior? did my parents raise her wrong? they raised her the same as us three older sisters, and none of us behaved this way. how was she different?

what if I have a kid like this sister of mine? I worry because if I do, I know that I won't want it.

is that wrong to say? that I might not want my child? why is it automatically assumed that I will?

I don't want to be held responsible for a life that lives independently from mine, especially if I am to be held at blame for their actions when I cannot control them.

what if I have a kid I do not like? am I required to love my children? even if they are a serious fuck-up? what if they are handicapped and I have to sacrifice my entire life for them...when they will never be able to produce anything of significance to the world?

what is our purpose to life? to simply live and be alive - or to add something to life?

I want to add something to life.

I would love for my children to be one of those additions, I would love to do my biological part and fulfill this inner desire to see my existence survive beyond myself through them...but I think its too chancy, and the sacrifice too great, to risk it.

but it really sucks, because I still think I would like to see myself pregnant.

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