Saturday, Dec. 16, 2006 10:36 p.m.
opening weekend!
the movie opened yesterday. I think about the past few years, waiting for this weekend, wondering what it would be like, for the first time, to really care what a box office total was like, about what the reviews were, about what people would think of it. I think about all the time, energy, effort that went into it. about everything that almost fell apart, but didn't. about people, about how things changed, about how companies changed, about how jobs were lost and gained.
and the time is finally here. and I'm drawn to reading the online reviews. and encouraging people to go see it. and checking out the box office totals. constantly. and some news is good. and some news is bad.
and I'm having a hard time reading some of the reviews. wondering if some critics saw the same movie I did, or if they have any idea what they are talking about. they make no sense to me, and it bothers me that even though they don't, people still listen to them.
it's like they want to find things wrong with something, so that's all they look for - what can I say negative about this - instead of enjoying a movie and allowing themselves to take part of the journey.
and to think that I've listened to critics in the past. I've relied on supposed experts to tell me if something is good or bad and if I should see it.
I don't know what to think anymore.
most of the reviews were good - but I can only focus on the bad. I didn't even work on the film myself. but K did. and I've been there with him. so I feel like I did too.
I could never be famous. constantly trying to live up to expectations, knowing that no matter what I did, or who I was, that I would never be good enough for someone. that people would think that they knew me, and had right to judge me, because I was a public figure. I'd want to explain myself to everyone, for every thing that anyone ever said or wrote about me, whether negative or positive...but I wouldn't be able to. and I would live a strange life, never really knowing what was me, and what was me trying to be how people wanted me to be.
hollywood.
I'm here.
strange.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.