Wednesday, Dec. 29, 2004 7:14 p.m.

broke

I actually feel physically ill about this. I've been wanting to puke for the past few hours. I'm beginning to break out into a minor, yet subdued, panic attack about this.

I really need a job.

and it's not like I can go get a job at the local mcdonalds...I need a REAL job. I need insurance. I need security. I need a job where I can move up. I need a job doing something I love. I need a grown-up job.

I'm running out of money. unemployment checks aren't covering much, and unless my new job pays more than $309/wk, it's better for me to stay on unemployment. L.A. is so freakin expensive!! $309/wk would've been more than enough to live on in college, but now it doesn't even cover my bills.

(yes, I'm on unemployment. I know that makes me sound like a total slacker, but I did have a real full-time job before this, and I ABSOLUTELY despise the boredom in my life right now. unemployment is honestly the only thing keeping me alive right now, so hey, unless you've been in this situation, please don't knock me for being on it...)

I HATE the way jobs in L.A. work! I don't even want to go into it in here, it takes too long...half of the jobs you can find don't even pay anything...

I went to get my hair cut and dyed today, thinking it's cheaper in Texas while home than in L.A....but it was WAY WAY more expensive than I would've imagined! but I still paid it, slowly becoming sick at the realization of all the money I don't have for it...I really don't know what to do. I've always prided myself on how good I am with my money, and here I am, not knowing how I'm going to survive once January is over...

I'm really, really starting to feel hopeless about the whole situation. I'm sure I'll figure out a way to make things work - I always do - but right now, it's just hard.

I need to be in L.A., making things happen and not stuck here at home for the holidays. I'm getting intensely anxious, and hopeless, and inpatient, and worried, and claustraphobic, and all these feelings mixed together is not a very good thing...this is not a very good thing.

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.