Sunday, Jan. 09, 2005 2:04 p.m.
I'm in looovee, oohhh, I'm a believer...
ahhh - ok, so I'm totally in love and have been for over a month. I never, ever, ever, ever, EVER thought I could be this stupid of a girl to feel like this...
but alas, I am. I'm a stupid girl. and love is so fuckin weird.
if you've NEVER been in love, you're going to think this entry absolutely sucks. I don't blame you. it will suck, and even a couple of months ago I would've been disgusted at reading something as unrealistically sappy as this.
if you HAVE been in love, you're just going to laugh at this entry and at me, yet secretly smile since it'll remind you of what love strangley does to a person.
I seriously can't get enough of this guy. I want to be around him all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me. I never thought I'd be in love. I always thought I was too rational of a person to be in love. As I wrote in my first Love and Marriage essay, I always thought '"in love" is just a made-up fantasy to give people dreams."In love" as we call it, is an infatuation.
but NOW? now I'm a believer...{here my random mind cuts to the classic Monkees song :) }...but seriously. I never knew this could be a real feeling. that I could really love someone. that I really could feel as though I'm tearing myself in half every time we have to part ways...even if we've just spent a consecutative 20 hrs. together and will be seeing each other again in 4hrs...
serioulsy. what is wrong with me? :)
and I'm such a fuckin logical person. I'm a Libra, for crying out loud! (not that I completely believe horoscopes though...) I overanalyze. I'm calculated. I don't feel strong emotions. I don't ascribe to silly ideas. I don't do things like this.
but this time I have. love is a lot more powerful than I thought.
I feel so lucky - I never knew that someone like this could exist in the world - he's so right for me. it amazes me. I wonder if other people feel like this? is love this realistic to everyone? am I really as lucky as I feel I am?
there is no awkardness between us. we discuss everything. we've farted in front of each other, we've puked, blown our nose, peed, not showered for 3 days, and seen each other at our worst. we don't pretend that things don't exist. we confront each other. we figure things out together. I know him deep down inside. he knows me deep down inside. I love him for the deep down inside part - I love him for who he is that will never change.
when I'm around him, I feel complete, I feel whole. when I'm away from him, and smell him on me, I smile, I feel warm. his kisses are amazing. as weird as it sounds, I think I fall more and more in love with him everyday.
I know his imperfections, I don't pretend they don't exist. but I understand them. I understand that he, like myself, is working on himself as a person. but he's not afriad of that challenge. and neither am I.
does everyone else feel like this when they fall in love? am I really as lucky as I sometimes feel I am? or am I just delusional, caught up in the feeling of being in love? I wish everyone could have this. it's a great, real, honest, open, amazing thing.
I've turned into a sap - this is the last thing I'd ever thought I'd do in my entire life. but I also never thought that love like this existed for me. everyday it still amazes me - I'm in love? I have a boyfriend? I've always been single and thought I would stay single forever.
I NEVER thought I would find this. it still completely amazes me that I have.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.