Monday, Feb. 14, 2005 8:16 p.m.

on losing my virginity

so here I am. 24 years old and a virgin..or at least, I was...

I lost what was left of my "techinical" virginity last night.

I can't believe I'm writting this in here...this is scary, how vulnerable and intimate I'm being with this diarlyand entry...but hey, I guess that's what sex is all about in the first place, huh?

I wanted to lose it. I'm totally in love. I'm commited - we both know we will marry. I'm mature. I'm 24. I'm human. I have the ability to enjoy something and give someone else enjoyment. I wanted to enjoy and give enjoyment.

I don't know why I'm so scared to admit this in here. isn't this supposed to be a place I can divulge all my most inner hopes, dreams, and fears? why do I feel the need to censor myself even in here? why do I feel I cannot talk about sex?

also, I'm afraid my best friend ("revisions") will read this and be dissapointed...after all, SHE waited til marriage. I'm afriad my younger self I've evidenced in entries like these: Blind Date 9/21/04, sex 12/12/03, is virginity worth it? 12/03/02, or even my love and marriage essay 11/25/03 and sex and virginity essay 7/28/04 would be dissapointed in me if they could come to haunt me. ...actually, they ARE haunting me.

I don't regret my decision to have sex one bit. I really don't. I know my choice was logical and rational. but I didn't AT ALL plan for my emotional response afterwards:

I started crying after 'the act'. I don't even know why. I don't know what I feel. I don't feel any different having crossed the bridge from "virgin" to "non-virgin". I'm still me. other than the fact that I'm a little sore today, I have to keep reminding myself that it happened - that today is supposed to be different, that I'm supposed to be different.

the only thing I feel is regret from all the years of buildup of my upbringing. I can hear people's voices, my own younger voice even, in my ear, telling me that sex should wait...without any logical explanation other than what I've already logically decided makes me ready for it. and yet...I still feel some weird form of twisted guilt from it all.

well, ok, I'll be even more honest. being able to claim the 'virgin' status, especially at my age in this time and in this city, was a way I defined myself. it was something like I could always feel unique in - I was a virgin...oohhh. It's what got me on Blind Date, it what made me intriguing.

am I not intriguing anymore? this is slowly becoming a real fear of mine.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart. I could show him this entry and he would only want to hold me. I'm open enough with him to talk about this. I wouldn't have given myself to him if I had ever doubted his intentions. love is an amazing thing and I'm figuring it out more and more as time goes time...both the physical and the emotional aspects of it.

losing my virginity has made me feel more naivee than experienced. I feel like a little girl as opposed to a woman. I realize that I am both awkward and unsure, yet supremely trusting in another human to figure it all out with me. I feel like a child having gone to school for the first time - I see the beauty of how much I have yet to learn.

hmm...I don't know. I don't know why I'm writing this in here. I don't know what any diaryland audience members will think of me. I'm afriad other virgins will think I've betrayed them, as though I couldn't hold out. I'm afriad I won't be unique to them anymore. I'm afriad people will see me as run-of-the-mill. I'm afriad I will become run-of-the-mill.

revisions, please don't be mad at me. my biggest fear in writing this in here is that I know that you will now know. it makes me not want to write it out. but I desperatley need to - emotions are going through my head and I need to settle them.

I'm sorry to anyone that reads this. I don't know why I'm apoligizing, but I feel like i should for some reason...I'm sorry that you are seeing me for who I really am, and not who I want to come across in my diary as.

I don't know what else to say anymore.

Happy Valentines Day everyone.

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