Wednesday, Jun. 15, 2011 11:08 p.m.

thoughts on weddings and being sociable

I went out tonight. I've turned into such a hermit as of late that just going out and being social is a feat unto itself! :)

Well, it also makes a difference that I've become so accustomed to having K with me at these kinds of things, that when I have to do it alone, I'm reminded of thankful I am that I am no longer single.

K's out of town for his brother's wedding this coming weekend. I didn't go with him. Why you ask? Eh, is it bad to say that I didn't really want to? a) his brother already has a kid with his finance, and they already live together, so it doesn't really feel like a big deal, b) K has to do all these Best Man duties this week which would leave me alone with his family and while I know his family, we're not really close and I'd be SUPER bored, and c) if K goes by himself he can just crash on his dad's couch, and if I went with him, we'd likely have to get a hotel and rental car, which really adds up quick.

So basically, he went alone. And I am home by myself. And I'd kind of be fine not leaving the house for the entire week...but eh, there are a couple social obligations I should fulfill. Like tonight. A friend of ours got married and had people meet for drinks at a bar to celebrate.

I knew NO ONE there, other than the bride and groom. And I couldn't lean on alcohol as my social lubricant! I mean, I actually had to but do the whole slowly ease into a small group and jump into a conversation. Blah. I'm used to K being the social one, ha ha. To think I once had to do that all the time when meeting people. Now I'm old and boring and unsociable. Not really. I'm still friendly. I can still turn on the sociability. It's just extra work. :)

It was at a bar I'd been to twice before, but forgotten I had until I walked in the door. The first was over 9 years ago, when I was interning and i was hanging out with the cast of Road Rules the whole day for some web marketing stuff. We went to eat there and I remember seeing some of the under 21 kids ordering alcoholic drinks and not being carded and no one even caring. I still remember the drink I ordered that night (I was 21 at the time though, thank you very much) - it was called a Star Fucker. Why I remember that? Not sure. Maybe because I had only recently began drinking at all, and because it was the first time I'd really heard of or had a drink that had Red Bull in it. The drink was gross though. I have no idea if they still serve it; I didn't have reason to look at the cocktail menu tonight.

The second time I was at this place was after I'd moved here. I was there for some drinks for some girl. I don't remember specifics; I don't know if I was dating K at the time or if I was still single. I do remember feeling like I was there only for an obligation though.

It's strange how memories come back. How grown up I feel now. And how I strangely don't really miss that part of my life at all. Yes my early-mid 20s had a lot of excitement, but they held a lot of uncertainty also, and I don't miss it. I like my comfort now of only seldom having to play the sociable game. :)
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I went to a wedding last weekend. I didn't mention it in here yet, but for some reason I thought I had. Maybe because I thought a lot about it and had meant to write something about it, but must not have.

Anyways, a wedding. The groom was an old friend of K's. Technically, I also had met this guy back during the same semester I'd first met K. They were doing the same film school program thing together. Only this guy happened to already be married during it. Yeah, back when we were all about 21. I didn't really know the guy, just knew that he was the married one, and that he brought his wife out too.

A couple years later, after I had moved back to L.A. and about the time when K and I were getting engaged, apparently this guy (we'll call him C from now on) was having some whole issue in his marriage. K and he were still friends, and C seemed to confide to K, so I got to hear about everything secondhand. C and his wife weren't doing so well. He wanted to keep pursuing acting; she was ready to give up on the failed dream and move back home and become normal. This led to other things and C wanted divorce, but she wouldn't, so then C sorta started looking for reasons for her to want a divorce, namely an affair.

I got to read part of the email that C eventually wrote K (I bet C doesn't know this, and might be embarrassed actually) explaining about the girl he had an affair with that ended his marriage. C talked about how he was so much more sexually satisfied with this new girl and how that had lacked during his marriage and that he felt so much more free now.

As someone who at the time was newly engaged (or maybe newly married by then?), I remember this last part a lot. I think part of me worried - do men really feel that stifled in a marriage? Was there anything I could aim to do so that that wouldn't happen in MY marriage? Eventually I realized that not all marriage have to be that way and I'm proud to say that my marriage is definitely not that way...but I still do remember all of this pretty clearly.

So C ended up divorcing his wife, around age 24 or 25, and moving to Hawaii to be with this new girl. That lasted a couple years, and then he came back to L.A., where he still kept in touch with K. Eventually he ended up meeting a new girl, proposing, and they got married this past weekend.

At the wedding, it seemed like most attendees were friends of the bride, not the groom. In fact, I don't know if there was really many other people there who knew that C had been married before. I mean, neither K nor I were at his first wedding, but we both knew him when he was previously married, and K even knew his previous wife.

I know that people change over time, and I'm sure that C is a completely different person than he was 9 years ago - but while watching him at the alter, I kept thinking that this was the second time he'd said those vows...and wondered how he knew he was going to keep them this time around.

And then I started thinking. We have these huge weddings to celebrate the beginning of a married life - but are they the real measure of celebration? Perhaps we should instead emphasize the celebration of milestone anniversaries - surely there is more to celebrate when a couple has lasted together in marriage for 10, 20, 50 years, right?

Many marriages do last. I'm proud that I'm in a marriage that is committed to making it work. I have no backup plan other than K; he is my life.

But knowing that we're over halfway to 10 years makes me feel like when we do get to 10 years - I really want to celebrate it. I want people to know that we have, and will continue to, work hard to make our lives work together.

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