Wednesday, Aug. 09, 2006 6:42 p.m.

it's not some fairytale.

there is this one guy. I met him about a year ago. we worked together at a really crappy, miserable job that even got me to stop writing for a few months. he was the only person there who was kind of my friend, even though never really knew each other "in the outside world".

then I got him to come and escape the crappy job and work at a summer day camp with me. so he did. and we've been working together all summer too.

I still don't really know him, know him. but we're friends. cause we're both dorks. and we have similar upbringings.

if I was single and not married, I totally would have been interested in him.

but I'm married. and I absolutely love and respect my husband. so we're just casual friends.

I've seen this guy go through two girlfriends. he saw me right before I was married, and then the next several months as I adjusted to what that meant.

I found out yesterday that this was his last week of camp. today was my last day this week. so we said goodbye.

it was weird. we've seen each other every workday for a year. we said we'd email, keep in touch, but I was still a little sad. is it right in saying that I will actually miss him?

earlier today, I decided to weed out my myspace friend list and delete some people. while going through my list, I starting clicking on people and checking out what's new in their lives.

I saw a lot of people with wedding pictures. and talking about their spouse. or how they got engaged. or whatever.

and it kind of disgusted me. I felt like I was back in college again. back in the marriage factory. back in that place where a picture of a girl in a poufy white dress epitomized a certain kind of success.

all those smiling, pretty, female faces. all that white. all that pristine beauty of weddings. look at us, we're perfect. look at us, we have a man. look at us, we're happy and settled and perfect.

but then I felt like such a hypocrite. I am married. I have a wedding party picture on myspace. I am wearing white in it. I am smiling. my profile boats of my accomplishments and my hopeful successes.

my sisters wedding is this weekend. this is the sister I talked about in several previous entries (10/18, 10/24, 12/03), never fully being able to explain myself, nor understand the things I was feeling. I heard a lot of people disagree with me, a lot of people thought I was simply being selfish. my relationship with my sister is no longer the same, and I don't know if it ever will be.

but I'm generally numb to the whole thing at this point.

I think my sister wants to be one of those girls in the picture. she wants the white dress and the smiling face: the symbol of perfection, of success...or at least in the eyes of the marriage factory school that she attends, and I attended before her.

I am worried she will become a trophy wife, never aware of her own desires - or that she is even capable of having her own.

I think she wants the attention of a wedding, but has no clue and is not prepared for the realization of what a marriage is.

and this worries me.

but I've come to realize that it does not matter what I think or what worries me. she is herself, and she will do whatever she wants.

and I no longer care. I am not angry, or mad, or disappointed, or sad. I am numb. I do not care.

I am a bridesmaid. I will stand there, in my pretty pink dress, off to the side, in a line that leads to her as the center of attention. I will help set up, and take down. I will do my duty, play my part. I won't tell her I'm so happy for her and her groom - but I will wish her luck on her wedding day.

I hope she loves her wedding. it will be much prettier than mine, and I think that's how it should be. a wedding is important to her. it was not to me.

marriage is on my mind right now. it is not an epitomize of success. it is not a picture. it is not white, nor poufy, nor flawless.

these thoughts have been flowing in my head today...I know they connect somehow...and should have a common moral...only I don't know exactly what it is.

I guess it's just that the reality of being married is not some fairytale.

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