Monday, Aug. 29, 2011 5:53 p.m.
10 years
I've been thinking about this day for a couple years now. For the past couple months, whenever I'm here on dland, I'll occasionally check the date and remind myself not to forget. The past couple weeks, even more so. And the past couple days - I was slightly worried that I'd forget and miss it.
I just looked at the date, and thought - oh my gosh. It's here. Today is the day.
I have officially been writing on diaryland, in this same exact diary, for 10 YEARS.
TEN YEARS!!! I feel like I deserve some sort of medal or something. :) I mean, that's a full 1/3 of my life documented in these entries. All one has to do is scroll below, or look to the side, to see the "chapters of my life", as I've deemed them (although I need to list this latest chapter, pregnancy, soon), and learn a pretty good deal about my life.
Ages 20-30 is a significant decade. It's a pretty confident venture to say that more life changes took place during this decade than will ever at any other decade in my life.
Where was I, 10 years ago exactly? Can I close my eyes and transport myself there?
20 years old. Living on campus, in university apartments, in my super tiny room. I had an old PC laptop back then, that little university-issued desk, that slightly bulky, blue cloth covered university-issued chair. Door closed most likely, secretly deciding to check out this diaryland thing that I'd heard some of my more emo acquaintances mention. This was waaaay back before 'blogs', before friendster, before myspace, and definitely before facebook. Back when the internet was more of a secret communication tool to connect with strangers. Some probably still saw the internet as scary...or as mostly only useful for educational and research purposes, but not some of us out there. Some of us saw the potential and the freedom that existed within it to confide our most private selves into a vast unknown. Diaryland was revolutionary in its' day. Youth now will never fully understand; they too may share every bit of their lives with an online audience - but there's a difference. We were more introspective with our lives and thoughts. We'd write our own personal angst and found camaraderie in reading about others personal angsts that mirrored our own. I fear that today's youth don't even know how to feel or reflect on their own angst - they share every detail about themselves first, see others react, and then decide how others think they should feel. How do they even know who they are if they can't make a judgement about their life on their own?
I read some of my younger teenage and early 20s cousins facebooks statues...and I guess I feel a bit sorry for them. They don't know the beauty of finding a secret, likeminded soul, they don't know the awe of making a connection in what seems like a vast and overwhelming world.
Ahh...I sound so old and wistful. :)
10 years ago, where did I think I would be today? Would I be happy with my life? Can I go back and ask my younger self? I really want to see them, to remember them in fuller detail.
Did I think I would be married? Most likely, I always knew saw marriage for my life. I may not have been able to imagine myself actually in a relationship with a guy (I was pretty shy and naive around guys), but I still knew I'd be married.
Did I think I'd have kids? Hmm...I probably would've thought that I'd at least be on my second kid by now. I don't think that I would've guessed I'd just now be "cooking" the first.
Did I think I'd be teaching? I don't think it would've shocked me; I always knew it was in my blood, though I denied it for so long. Teaching math? Wouldn't have guessed. Teaching online? I hadn't heard of this back then...but I don't think it would've surprised me; I did major in web design once upon a time!
10 years ago, on 8/29/01, I had just had my first kiss and first experience being buzzed (off two Zimas, mind you) during that summer. In the past ten years since, here are a list of other significant firsts/occasions:
Sept. 11th
21st Birthday
Introduced to Harry Potter
Found out I was going to L.A. for an internship - oh my, how that one call changed my life more than I could EVER know
Began pondering being "marriageable-age"
Discovered "The Real World"
1st Car Accident
1st time drunk
Found a new kind of college friends
Had guys start liking me
Nominated for Homecoming Queen
1st Boyfriend
1st Breakup/Meltdown
1st time stoned
Almost died
Accepted college graduation with surprise maturity
Moved to Los Angeles
Got my eyebrow pierced - I almost forgot I'd done this!
1st time offered cocaine - I declined
Possibly drugged
Almost fired
Volunteered on a suicide hotline/Starting maybe liking this one guy
A Summary of one of the most significant periods of my life - that I didn't journal about
Fell in love
Lost my virginity
Got engaged
Taught Kindergarten
Got married
Changed my name
Tutored a famous child actor
Fading dreams/being poor
Move #1
Signed up to be an egg donor
Donation #1
Donation #2
Became a high school math teacher
Donation #3
Worst job of my life
Learning the sad, infertile news
Offered my dream job
Treatment options
Hard Times
Donation #4
The surgery
Got an awesome summer job
Regretted my donations
30th birthday
Became an aunt
Got a positive test
Admitted to being pregnant
TEN YEAR DIARYLAND ANNIVERSARY
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.