We are all we have that we can count on. And all we ever will.
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12:13pm: Yesterday one of the kids I tutor told me that the reason she had before thought I must be a mom (she had asked me one day if I had kids and I said no) is because I was so calm with all the kids.

Instead of 'calm' I think she meant that I know how to handle kids. When they misbehave, I know what to say. I know not to get personally upset at their behavior, but calmly and firmly direct them in the correct behavior.

I think this is what she meant by 'calm', since she had just seen me respond to another student who wasn't behaving a few seconds earlier.

I guess I should have considered this girl's statement as a small compliment, but instead it just made me sad. Even a kid recognizes that working with kids comes naturally to me...so why do I have this ability if I can't have my own kids to use it on???
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12:40pm: You know the saying, "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window"? I hope that this is true, and that it happens to apply in our current circumstance.

I hope that this means that something better is being set up to happen instead.
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1:58pm: Just in case an official recognition of it is needed: #1 and #3 are no-gos; #2 has been postponed. So it looks as though I am 0-3 today.

I'm waiting to see about #2 and my party first...but I'm still thinking about my backup plans...

Turning 30 is gonna kill me. :(
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4:03pm: I'm keeping myself distracted right now by sewing the dress for my birthday party...that I don't even know if I'll actually have. I keep sewing though, because I'm telling myself that even if my party is canceled, that hopefully there'll at least be someplace to wear it to for halloween and that my time working on it won't be pointless.
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Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.