2001-11-01 9:30 a.m.

RE: Real World casting call!!! (I want to die)

OK, now for part two: the part that wasn't so much fun.

I came home (oh, I got pulled over on the way) and almost immediatly felt the good ole Christian university difference. At the audition, I had been given a wristband with the Miller Lite logo on it, meaning I was 21 and could drink. It was no big deal; I didn't drink and forgot about it. However, it sure stood out like a sore thumb as soon as I got back here. The first thing that 10 different people said was: "What's that?" "You probably are gonna want to take that off", "Miller Lite, huh?" Why was that the very first thing they noticed? It was not a big deal, but after people kept saying things, it made me want to keep it on, just to annoy people!

I wanted to tell people what we really discussed there, and of course people asked.(Oh, everyone knew I was there now, because I had had to call my roommates and let them know where I was 'cause I was missing some important meetings. The word spread fast.) I told some people that they asked how we would be sterotyped. It made me sick the fact that people, before even hearing my answer, said, "You said Jesus Freak, right?" or "Born again Christian" or something like that. People were saying that I should make the show 'cause they need a strong Christian on there.

If I had even mentioned the fact that we discussed the possibility of this guy being gay or something, people would immediatly say something like "Did you tell him it was sinful?" Everyone here thinks in a bubble!! I can't even tell people here what I said about me, because they couldn't take it!!

Well, that all was annoying and I remembered why I don't want to go here anymore. But, the worst part of the whole day was when I decided to talk to my best friend a little more honestly about what went on there.

I told her about the discussion we had at the table and what they asked me. I told her that my misconception was of being the religious, good girl. She wanted to know if they asked me anything else, and I told her that they asked me what's one thing I've done that no one would believe about me. I really told them that I had a secret website and that I suffered from depression, but I wouldn't tell my friend that. I think she was kinda upset, but I'm so glad I didn't tell her! I was mentioning to her that people at the audition were so free to be themselves and that I was really hating this school. She then said a coupla things and I realized that she's turning into everyone else. I think the fact that she's changed her major to Bible and is dating a strong christian guy might have something to do with it.

So, now I've realized that I seriously have no one to talk to here, no one to be honest with, and I hate it. I want to leave here so bad, but I'm trapped!! Being on a realitly show would be the only way that I could get out of here, because it wouldn't appear like I was leaving, even though I was. I don't know if that makes sense.

Anyways, then I got really depressed, like I havent been in awhile and really just wanted to be dead since I feel like my life is hopeless. I'm stuck here, but here is so bad for me and does not make me happy. I have no one to talk to and I need to be honest with someone. I was happy at the audition, I felt like I had been given the real me back. I can be a happy person, and I had forgotten that.

So, now, I'm kinda hopeless and am thinking "I just want to die" all over again. I got an hour and a half of sleep last night. I'm tired but don't really care about sleeping.

I know that probably no one out there is reading this, but if someone is, I wish they'd write me. Sometimes I think that this site is the only thing that's kept me somewhat sane.

I'm pretty certain I won't get called back. If I do, I'd hear back today or tomorrow. I wish somehow they could've gotten to know me better. I'd be great for the show and I really just need to be on it, for my sake. I don't want to sit around the phone all day today, I hate hoping a call will come. I never get anything and I don't really want to think about it!

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