Sunday, Dec. 28, 2003 2:23 p.m.
life
life inherently sucks. i�m sorry, but it does. and if you�re one of those who�s reading this and thinking, �oh, life doesn�t suck, life is beautiful and wonderful and full of surprises and every day is an adventure and i�m always happy-go-lucky and romantically inclined and the world loves me because i love the world and i could spend my whole life in happy sunshine and flowers and never stop talking about it all��, then, well, you�re delusional. i�m sorry, just face it. you are. life sucks. i�ve learned to just deal with this fact. we live to die. everything we do is inherently meaningless. a thousand years from now, aside from the very few exceptions, even the memory of us will cease to exist. the things we stress over on a daily basis? will mean nothing. the feelings of love and contentment and meaning and all that we think that life is about? will be completely useless. every thought i think has been thought by someone before. i am not original. i am not special. i read a good book or someone�s diary on this diaryland.com thing and for a brief second i feel as though i�m not alone and that that fleeting moment of connection is rare and important and is what carries me though the days. but it�s not rare, and it�s not really that important, and the only thing that carries me through the days are my delusions that they are rare and important. life sucks. and there�s really no way around it. once again, if you are reading this and you believe otherwise, i�m sorry, i really am. it also sucks to know that life sucks. it�s much easier and much happier to not cross the line and open your eyes to the suckiness of life. sometimes i wonder if it�d been better that i never crossed over. i wonder what i�d really prefer to know. or not know. so why not just kill ourselves? why live if life truly sucks?. as i think some philosopher once said (i really should know who it was, but hey, i don�t remember, i�m sorry, ok?) the only real philosophical question is why we shouldn�t commit suicide. (fyi, on 1/1/04, i decided to re-write the ending to this entry. before, i think i was just trying to somehow make an ending without really meaning any of what i wrote. but i've been doing some thinking, and the following is just the truthful truth, even if doesn't sound as good.) i've lately been seriously questioning why i don't just kill myself if life is so inherently meaningless...and i think i surprised myself by even having an answer. i guess i don't know what's ahead of me, so i live because otherwise there's no way of ever knowing if it would've ever gotten worse or better. i live because i'm curious of my life's potential. and that's really the only reason: so i can daily turn the calander of uncetainity and find out what certainity each day turns into. well, and also, i'd feel obligated to leave some really amazing explanatory suicide note or something, only i don't think i could ever put into words all that i'd be trying to say! and without the amazing last words of my perception-defying explanatory sudicide note, would it be any fun to kill myself? seriously? what would be the point? :) anwyas, so i'm living. i'm choosing to live. i'm choosing to enjoy life and to discover those things that can only be discovered through the natural passing of time. yes, life may suck in the future, but i'll never know for sure until i'm there. (oh, by the way: this was my 200th entry in this thing. it should�ve ceremoniously be some amazing milestone entry or something, right? well, it�s hard to just spontaneously write amazing milestone entries out of nowhere and i�ll admit that i was a dork and probably took too long trying to think of what to write for this entry. but anyways, i stupidly decided on the rather daunting task of encapsulating something that probably shouldn�t and can�t be forced into this capsule of a diary entry, but still�the above was my attempt to make sense out of life anyways�)
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.