Sunday, Dec. 25, 2005 12:32 p.m.
time keeps on ticking...and stressing me out...
I�ve been realizing lately that I tend to stress a lot over things. but that I�m normally a laid back person�and that I don�t understand why I stress so much.
I�m not really a perfectionist, am I? I don�t care about things being perfect. I don�t demand perfection out of myself or others�but then sometimes, it IS like I demand perfection�but not the perfection that�s typically considered perfection�it�s as though I have my own idea of how things should be, and if things aren�t like that�I don�t know what to do�
I think also, that I realize that time is completely fleeting. that my life is ultimately meaningless.
I�m home for the holidays with my family. I�m bombarded with thoughts and feelings and reminders that I�m growing up. that I am grown up. things aren�t like how they used to be. I watch old home videos remembering when those times were the present, just as right now is the present now�only to be the past later.
I see my parents, and know that when they were my age, they had 2 kids already. I know I could have kids. I occasionally am reminded of things I want my hypothetical kids to do or have and tell my husband this.
and then I cringe. I could be the one with kids right now. like my parents at this age. I don�t want kids right now.
I�m growing old. and things change. and I will never have today again.
I feel asleep this afternoon for a bit after presents were all opened�and I just woke up, uber-cranky and overly-stressed.
you only get one Christmas a year � and I just wasted an hour of mine on sleep. useless, needless, lazy napping.
I�m preoccupied with the lack of anything substantial I�m am adding to the human experience. I have all these grand ideas. I want to write, I want to share the thoughts that go on in my head � as though they are, for some faint reason, important � I want to contribute to something that will supercede me. I want to know that time doesn�t exist solely in order to expedite my death�and non-existence.
it�s unfair, life is.
and I hate writing because I think I�m saying what I mean � and then I read it � and realize that I suck and everyone will probably just think I�m just over-exaggerating.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.