Tuesday, Sept. 22, 2009 10:59 p.m.

yeah, this is an angry entry

note to rainforme: this entry is in no way against you and I apologize that it was your recent post that set me off. I am happy for you and I know that if I were in your same position that I would be experiencing many of the same thoughts as you. I'm sorry that it's a little hard for me to share in your happiness - I want to, I do - I'm just working on this.

note to revisions: I'm sorry that I just can't handle everything that's happened. I'm sorry that our friendship was sacrificed. I don't know if I'll be able to work things out before you give birth, or anytime soon after that. I don't know when and I never knew this would all be so hard for me.

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Seriously - what the fuck is wrong with me????????????????????????????????????

Why can everyone around me just magically get pregnant, without even trying, and I started trying/not preventing before ALL OF THEM and here I am, a year later, and still nothing!

This is ridiculous! God, seriously, are you playing some joke on me? Is this funny to you? NO ONE that I was close with was pregnant back when we started trying, and in the past 5 months, yes, only 5 months, there have been, well, I can't even count anymore. Um: K, then J, then K, then M, then L, then R...and I think I'm missing one in-between M and L, but I don't want to think about it enough to figure it out.

Let me count the number of married couple-friends I'm fairly close with: Nine. 9 couples. That's it; I don't have too many married friends. Guess how many of them have announced their first pregnancy in the past 5 months? Five. One a month. Only 4 more months to go till they're all pregnant. And then I'll still be left in the dust.

Do you have any idea how weird/hard that is in a marriage? To not know how serious things really are, or if we'll ever be able to just "fall pregnant". To not know if we're going to have to pay thousands and thousands of dollars to artificially have a child...or if it's even worth it to do so? Or to not fully know how to discuss things, because there's a bit of shame and sadness in the thought of having anything but extreme virility.

For about a year, any future plans in my mind have included a little caveat: I'll probably be pregnant then. When I go to buy clothes, I think about if its worth it, since surely I'll have to buy maternity clothes soon. If people are planning to make a trip to Vegas in a couple months, I think if I'll even have fun, because surely I won't be able to drink. If we want to take a road trip next Spring Break, I think if I'll want to take a long drive, since surely I'll have a huge belly and be uncomfortable.

You know what though: it's not going to happen. Screw those thoughts. I'll do whatever the hell I want to. Drink alcohol every night. Plan a trip to Vegas for New Years. Make/eat pot brownies for the first time in my life.

Maybe I'll never be a mother. Not a "natural" one at least. I'm starting to accept that...well, starting to become numb to the idea, I guess.

I have a bunch of toys/games that I used to use with kids on set. I've been hanging to them, thinking I'll save them for my own kids, cause they'd be coming soon (yeah right). Yesterday I cleaned out my closet and am giving a bunch of that stuff to goodwill. Why hang on to things that just encourage my wishful thinking? Best to just live my life normal.

What's funny is that for so long when I was donating my eggs I wondered what it was like for the couples who were having to receive them. We're not to that point, of needing someone else's genetic material, but I'm definitely starting to understand some of the emotions they must have endured.

I think the one year mark of no birth control, when they say that 80% of couples should have conceived by, really hit me hard. We are now, officially, having difficulty in the getting pregnant department. It's no longer me just making it up or exaggerating. It's real now. And it sucks.

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